"You know you're from Boston when..." deconstructed

THIS WAS WRITTEN A LONG TIME AGO, OCTOBER of 2005

Let me apply my analysis skills to a momentous problem, the structure of this list of things that people from Massachusetts will "get".

"You know your from massachussetts when..."

I suppose that knowing how to spell the name of the commonwealth isn't that common anywhere, but it would seem it's more common around here.

I propose dividing the propositions into classes:

Class A:
1.You think crosswalks are for wimps
3. You know how to cross four lanes of traffic in five seconds
5. You think it's not actually tailgating unless you're touching the bumper of the car in front of you
6. You know that a yellow light means that at least five more people can get through and a red one means two more can
12. You believe using your turn signals gives away your plan to the enemy
14. Someone has honked at you because you didn't peel out the second the light turned green
15. You have honked at someone because they didn't peel out the second the light turned green
16. All the potholes just add to the excitement of driving.
17. Stop signs mean slow down a little, but only if you want to.
23. The person in front of you is going 70 MPH and you're cursing them for going too slow
27. You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater.
32. You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left
38. You feel the rest of the world needs to drive more like you
49. You almost feel disappointed when someone doesn't flip you off when you cut them off or steal their parking space

Class A might apply (figuratively, mostly) in any large urban area where traffic is intense. It's not really that much worse in Boston, is it? Maybe traffic difficulties are the product of chaotic patterns (Boston is high) and overall population (Boston is just an average urban area).

Class B

2. You think if someone is nice to you that they either want something, or they are from out of town and lost
4. You're amazed when traveling out of town that people at McDonalds actually speak english
8. You could own a small town in Iowa for the cost of your house
10. There are 24 Dunkin Donuts shops within 15 minutes of your house
30. You know at least three Tony's, one Vinnie, and a Frank
31. Paranoia sets in when you can't see an ATM or CVS

Class B could apply to just about any city as viewed from the rural or small-town perspective.


Class C
9. Subway is a fast food place
22. You can go from one side of town to the other in less than fifteen minutes and see at least fifteen losers you went to high school with doing the same thing they were doing when you saw them last

Class C would apply to a smaller city as viewed from (9) New York, or a very few other cities, or (22) any city or area with fewer neighborhood roots.

Class D:
18. Six inches of snow is considered a dusting.
19. Three days of 90 degree heat is definitely a "heat wave" and 63 degrees is "a little on the warm side"
29. You keep an ice scraper in your car all year round

Class D are true in a large variety of northern parts of the US as viewed from places farther south.

Class E
7. The transportation system is known as the "T"
11. When people talk about "The Curse Of The Bambino", you know what they're talking about, and believe it, too (well, at least you USED to)
13. If you stay on the same road long enough, it eventually has three different names.
20. You cringe everytime you hear some actor or actress imitate the "Boston Accent" on TV or in a movie...if you don't have it, then you're never going to get it, even if you were born here
24. You know how to pronounce towns like Worcester, Haverhill, and Cotuit
25. You know what they sell at a "packie"
26. You have never been to the Cheers bar
33. You've bragged about saving money at The Christmas Tree Shop
35. You can navigate a rotary without a problem
36. You have been to Fenway Park
37. You refer to the New York Yankees as the 'evil empire'
40. You use the words "wicked" and "good" in the same sentence
41. You know what a frappe is
42. Saint Patrticks Day is your second favorite holiday
43. You are proud to drink Sam Adams and think that the rest of the country owes Bostonians a thank you
44. You never say "Cape Cod"; you say "the cape"
45. You went to Old Sturbridge Village and Plymouth Plantation in elementary school
46. You can drive to the mountains and the ocean all in one day
48. You know the Mass Pike is some strange weather dividing line

Class E, really do arguably have something to do with being from Massachusetts -- but sometimes only Boston, and sometimes New England more broadly.

Class F
21. At the ice cream shop, you call chocolate sprinkles "jimmies".
28. You still try to order curly fries from Burger King
34. You know what a "regular coffee" is
39. When someone calls you a "masshole", you take it as a compliment
47. You have a special place in your heart for the Worcester Firefighters

Class F may resonate with people from Massachusetts, but they're news to me. My family has been hanging out around these parts since 1630 or 1640, though I myself grew up in southern New Hampshire.

Class G

50. You actually get all of these jokes, AND pass them on!

I suspect it *is* more likely someone will forward this list if they not only get them, but think all of them really do have to do with being from Massachusetts, which might often happen if they are not very well informed about how things are elsewhere.


There, didn't I do a good job of seeming ridiculously serious about something lighthearted?